No Rest For The Wicked
by OneTrickWonder
Summary: Octavia seeks Clarke out in the bunker to persuade her into taking over as The Commander but one look at the red cape and pauldron on Octavia's shoulders reminds Clarke why she's a terrible leader who deserves the tile of Wanheda. Or. The one where Clarke finally stops trying to lead her people so she can go crazy like the grieving lover she is. Two Shot


**A/N: Just a little one shot to get back into the game because I've been reading a ton of fanfiction but I haven't written any to be posted in years. Obsessed with The 100, obsessed with CLEXA. Clarke didn't really get to grieve because there was always something she had to fix or save her people from. So, for the purpose of this fic, The Bunker situation at the end of season four is the same except Clarke and crew + Raven make it back to the bunker in the nick of time.**

Summary: _Octavia, overwhelmed with the needs of all thirteen clans begs Clarke to take over but Clarke knows Octavia can handle it because she was the first one who wanted to learn the grounder ways and because probably wanted Wonkru more than anyone. But mostly, Clarke, for once, just wanted to be selfish and grieve for Lexa in a way she hadn't been able to before._

 _Came to me over time and solidified while listening to Lykke Li's "No Rest For the Wicked" because Clarke is someone who would blame Lexa's death on herself and I don't think we got to see what that breakdown looked like in the show._

 _This takes place before Octavia's final speech to Wonkru._

 **No Rest For The Wicked**

Clarke was just leaving the medical wing of the bunker when Octavia approached her, Indra barely a foot behind her. The blonde blinked back tears at seeing the red sash and pauldren on her friend's shoulder. The slightly younger girl had a hard look on her face that led Clarke to believe that the younger girl had been angry, and rightfully so, at Clarke for teaming with Jaha to lock the doors during the conclave. Before she could open her mouth to apologize, Octavia grabbed her and together they walked, fast, down the hall wordlessly.

Before Clarke could ask any questions, she was pulled into a room with a single bed that, based off of the sword in the corner, appeared to be Octavia's. "Before you apologize forget it, I understand now. Clarke, you've made decisions that I didn't agree with and somehow you managed to save everyone. The thing with Pike and ALIE, you couldn't have foreseen those things or even prevented them and yet we, even I, expected you to take care of it. I've only been in charge for one day and I _can't_. Everyone wants something, twelve hundred people want a thousand different things. I'm not cut out for this. But you are, as a nightblood you are the rightful owner of The Flame and so Indra said switching leaders won't be a problem." Octavia explained, rushed, panicked and clearly overwhelmed.

Indra nodded solemnly, "It is true, Wanheda. Skaikru would accept you immediately, what remains of the other clans might not agree with you right away but they know what it means to be a nightblood." she supplied neutrally. She herself was among those who would begrudgingly accept Wanheda as the commander even though she preferred Octavia. If anyone could command twelve hundred people to shut up and survive in the bunker, Clarke could if through fear alone.

Clarke snapped out of her stupor when Octavia began to remove the commander gear. "No, stop, stop!" she exclaimed, halting the younger girl in her steps. "I, I can't wear that. And I won't take over. My time as a leader is over, I was a terrible one anyway. You're right, I've made decisions that have killed over six hundred people, nine hundred if you include the warriors and the village of people that Pike and Bellamy killed while I was gone. I can't be responsible for twelve hundred more." Clarke argued, whispering the last part as she pictured Lexa's pale face and still chest.

Indra stared at Clarke with an inquisitive look on her face as she was sure the girl would have taken the role of commander immediately. She was surprised by the fact that she was refusing and even more so by the fact that the blonde had counted the murders committed by Pike and Bellamy as her own sins. She was even more confounded by the wounded look on the girl's face.

Octavia looked crestfallen, "But Clarke, think about how many people you saved. And you didn't make those decisions lightly! I know that now." She cried out, clenching the red sash tightly in her fist, ready to yank it off and shove into Clarke's arms willing or not.

Clarke looked at the wall and then back at Octavia, unsure of how'd she get Octavia to see that she was the right one for the role without admitting that she just wanted to spend the next five years without responsibilities so that she could mourn Lexa and all that she'd loss. Octavia had Lincoln taken from her, in a different situation they could possibly grieve together but Clarke didn't get a chance to reach that point where she could talk about it or relive it out loud yet.

"Listen to me, you can do this, Octavia. You were the first one to want peace between the grounders and the sky people. You were the first one to learn their ways, to embrace them as your own instead of trying to force them to understand ours. I mean, we dropped into their lands, we were outsides whose ancestors ran off into space while theirs stayed and survived the first praimfaya. You got that, without anyone having to drill into your head. This is your time to lead and before you say I made the tough decisions, just remember that you understand why I made them. _That_ is how you know you're ready. Use the intercom to call everyone to the center room, address them as _Wonkru_ and show them that _you_ are commander." Clarke said the last part gripping Octavia's face in her hands so that the girl was forced to look her in the eye. She needed her to be ready to lead because Clarke wasn't sure she'd survive the next five years with her wits intact.

Clarke barely gave Octavia time to nod before she rushed out of the room, Indra watching her go curiously. The blonde weaved through the halls, walking in circles until she heard Octavia's announcement. As the hall filled with people making their way to the center room, Clarke ducked into a corner until they passed and made her way in the opposite direction toward the dorm where slept. This would be the one time she'd have to herself and she planned to use it wisely for she didn't know if she'd get the opportunity again.

She entered the dorm room, closed the door and made her way over to the bunkbed in the back corner that she'd claimed as hers. Immediately, Clarke dropped to the grown on the side facing the wall. She pulled her thighs to her chest, tucked her knees under her chin and for the first time since Lexa died, allowed herself to sob. Her body shook with the force of her weeping, her breaths came in short, raspy puffs and left her in little wisps of air. She titled to the right until she could feel the cold cement on her cheek and laid there crying until there were no tears left and then she continued to dry heave until she had to flip over onto her stomach to throw up the little she had eaten that day.

Clarke laid there until she could feel the low tremble of the temple above the bunker moving as praimfaya hit. She wiped her mouth on the corner of her sleeve and pulled herself up, using the last of her strength to pull the blankets down so that she get in and pull them back over her. She curled onto her side, facing the wall once more, and closed her eyes. She pictured Lexa's face as she slept, soft and young as if the mask of Heda rested on a shelf for waking moments only. She remembered the way Lexa smiled at her before leaning over her in bed to kiss her and have her way with her body. She remembered how Lexa's strong hands explored her body, how her fingers mastered Clarke's womanhood like a warrior wielding a bow and arrow.

Another reason Clarke couldn't talk to Octavia or anyone else about who'd lost a love one was because at least they had more than one day together. Of course, her feelings for Lexa didn't just happen overnight, it'd taken time but wars kept getting in the way. Maybe she could have gotten more time if she'd spent more time appreciating Lexa for saving her from Queen Nia instead of hating her for Mount Weather. But Clarke wasn't one for making big decisions like that unless it involved killing people, or so she thought.

Clarke's eyes snapped open at the sound of the dorm room doors opening. She listened as the person walked through the room, wondering if Octavia's speech had been short or if something had gone wrong. She stilled as the person stopped at the foot of the bed but just out of her sight.

"Your mother sent me here to get you. Well actually, she sent Bellamy to see if you'd went back to the medical wing, Murphy to see if you were in the library and I volunteered to see if you were here. Octavia, or I guess I should say The Commander is about to give a speech. Your mother thinks you should be there." the person explained quietly.

Clarke removed the top of the blanket from its position bunched just under her chin and looked at the person standing there. She noted the way their fingers scratched at their palms as I they were inching to get into bed with her, to comfort her. And she appreciated the way they held themselves back. "Thank you, Niylah, I'm sure my mother would have taken it upon herself to find me here if you hadn't volunteered. I already know about the meeting, which I'm sure Octavia already mentioned. My mother doesn't want me there for the meeting, she wants me there so I can try to take over as the leader. She thinks I'd be more inclined to accept help from her and Kane." Clarke responded honestly.

Niylah moved around the bunkbed and sat on the edge by Clarke's legs. She wanted to lie with her, especially since she could see the tears on Clarke's face and what looked like vomit in the corner on the floor. But something in Clarke's eyes said she didn't want or need to be coddled right now so she settled for rubbing the backs of her legs instead because she couldn't not offer some comfort to Clarke now. "You don't want to be a leader anymore?" she asked, honestly curious and also because she didn't think asking Clarke what was wrong was the right way to go.

Clarke looked away from Niylah as she answered, "When I lead, people die. It's why they call me _Wanheda_. I spent so much time hating that name, refusing to associate myself with it. But it's who I am, the bringer of death." Clarke looks back at Niylah, she wants to tell her to leave before she dies too but she's struck by the surprised look on Niylah's face. And before either girl can say anything Bellamy is walking into the room.

"Hey princess, hate to ruin your sexy times but there's a mandatory meeting, let's go!" Bellamy exclaims, clapping his hands loudly before he realizes that what he walked in on wasn't love fest. "Uh, did I miss something?" he questioned, his face showing confusion. He watches as both girls ignore his question opting instead to stand up and walk around the bed.

Clarke breezes past him without a word, the look on her face showing how much she'd rather miss the announcement. He stares at her face long enough to see the tear tracks before she can wipe them away. He looks to Niylah for answers, "Um, did you guys break up or something? Kind of shitty thing to do while the world is ending." He tries to laugh it off but the look on Niylah's face cuts him off.

The talk, blonde woman walks toward him, "She thinks she's the bringer of death, but I have a feeling she's only thinking about one person. Do you know how Heda Lexa died?" Niylah asks as she reaches him. Before he can say, 'no', Murphy enters but it's obvious he heard the question.

"I do, and I'd rather not talk about it if it means you guys are trying to psychoanalyze Clarke. She just passed me looking like a god damn ghost on the way to center room. Let's go." Murphy explains before leaving the two there, knowing the Bellamy and Niylah would follow. He remembers Lexa's death like it was yesterday, he'll never forget the moment what made Clarke, Clarke die as her lover gave her last breath in her arms. He freaked out when Emori's helmet malfunctioned, he could only image what Clarke was feeling. She didn't need anyone talking behind her back about that experience.

 _The Center Room…_

Clarke entered the center room and took up a place in the back, across from the room they'd commandeered as Octavia's bunker version of an office/war room. She made sure to place herself close to the ramp so she could get back to the dorm once this was over but that also meant that when Bellamy, Niylah and Murphy entered they were right next to her. Thankfully, Murphy placed himself next to her and stopped the other two from making their way to her other side.

She could see her mother closer to Octavia but it was obvious Abby had been watching the doors because the woman spotted her immediately and gestured her over. Clarke denied with the shake of a head and luckily Octavia began speaking before her mother could make her way over.

"This is it, we're the last of the human race…" Octavia began, immediately commanding the attention of everyone in the room. As she spoke, Clarke found the part of herself that would always be a leader finally relaxing. Octavia would make a great leader and Clarke knew that the younger girl would reach out to either her or Indra if she needed assistance.

"It's going to be a long five years, we will be tested but we will survive. Leska Kom Trikru built the coalition with the hopes of establishing peace between the clans. As the new commander, I will finish what she started. We are no longer thirteen clans, but one. Ai laik Heda Ocktevia kom Wonkru, Commander of the People. Leska Kom Trikru left us unexpectedly and many of you were not able to be there for her pyre. As a way into the future by cleansing the past, let us take a moment to remember her as the last commander of the thirteen clans." Octavia spoke somberly, looking around the room as she spoke watching as everyone bowed their heads in memory of Lexa. All but Clarke who looked at her with tears pooling in her eyes.

And that's when she knew. She knows that Clarke was being honest when she said that she would be a good commander, but now she also knows that Clarke wouldn't take over because it meant not being able to grieve for Lexa. It meant being forced to wear the same gear that Lexa wore as commander. Octavia couldn't be mad at the minor deception, she couldn't imagine not being able to grieve for Lincoln. If she had been in Clarke's position, forced to lead first and break later, they'd have never beat ALIE. "Clarke Kom Wonkru, Wanheda slayer of the mountain. Please come forward as the last person to stand beside Heda Leska in war." Octavia called upon Clarke to speak, not as payback but because she knew that Clarke deserved to be the one to release Lexa's spirit and memories even if Clarke didn't think so.

Octavia looked at Clarke in a way that she hoped conveyed her intentions, in way that she hoped would compel Clarke to come up. She watched as Murphy leaned over and whispered into her ear and wondered what he could be saying.

Clare stared at Octavia, shocked by what she was hearing, by what she was being asked to do. She wanted to turn and leave but she didn't want to disrespect Lexa or the people that mourned her by leaving even if it meant she got to mourn in peace. "This might be the only time you get to show them who she was, Clarke. Everyone here only knew her as the commander, some never even met her. Tell them who she was, let their last memory of her be positive and maybe that might help you. And if it doesn't then, it doesn't. But she shouldn't be remembered as the Commander that abandoned her people's way of blood must have blood at the mountain or the Commander that issued a kill order on Arkadia for one man's tyranny." Murphy whispered into her ear. She wondered how he could possibly know there was more to Lexa than being Heda but instead of questioning it, she moved forward.

The people parted for her, watching her as she walked forward. She passed her mother as she reached the stairs, ignoring her look of sympathy. Her confession to her mother during lock up under Titus' orders is probably the only reason her mother even knew about her brief, but strong relationship with Lexa. She eyed Octavia, nodding her acceptance of her silent apology.

Clarke faced the crowd and waited for the murmuring to stop. She let the silence wash over her, eyes closed as she pictured Lexa's smiling face and bare shoulders, covered with a cream sheet that paled in comparison to her tanned skin. She opened her eyes took another moment to let her eyes connect with as many people as she could. And then she began.

"Many of you here know Lexa only as Heda, as a ruthless leader who would do anything to make sure her coalition stayed together. Many of you fought against her rule because you couldn't understand her plans for the future, because you weren't used to change. The sky people saw her only as the woman who issued a kill order, who demanded the death of a teenaged boy, who ignored your customs in favor of her own." Clarke paused and looked to Indra before speaking again, "Only one of you know what Lexa sacrificed to insure the coalition. Eleven hundred of you knew or knew of Heda Lexa a lot longer than I. But… _I knew Leska. I loved Leska._ " Clarke stopped, she let her words sink into the ears of the people listening. She let Indra translate so that she wouldn't have to speak twice. And then she began again, ignoring the surprised looks on everyone's faces as she admitted that she loved Lexa.

"Age is rarely a thing worth mentioning on the ground, but to those from space, Lexa was too young to lead anyone let alone a coalition comprised of thousands of men, women and children. Down here, you rarely think of age because the faces you see are those of warriors. And Lexa was not immune to that. The face of Heda could spill fear into the boots of many. Hedas don't smile or laugh or love. But Lexa loved a woman named Costia, her first love. They'd known each other long before Lexa began her training as a nightblood and loved before Lexa's conclave. Lexa's first mission as Heda was to end the clan wars by building the coalition. However, Queen Nia was a power hungry _nomonjoka branwada_ who took Costia, tortured her, cut off her head and sent to Lexa in a box. This was after she had already joined the coalition and under the laws of the coalition all past crimes must be forgiven. And for the sake of peace for all of her people, Lexa did let the queen live."

Clarke watched as understanding painted the faces of those around her, watched as loved ones gripped onto each other. "Lexa took the lives of many to save more, but she mourned them all the same. She was forced by the ways of her people to take the life of the man that was a brother to her, to ban another who to his dying breath, still honored and bowed to her as Heda." At this, Clarke looked at Octavia, hoping to tell the girl how much Lexa agonized over her decision to ban Lincoln and thus cutting Octavia off from Trikru as well.

"Many of you questioned Heda's deal with the Mountain Men while embracing the very people that deal saved. Lexa's last command as Heda was the implementation of _blood must not have blood_ , but for the sake of her people when tranny within the walls of Arkadia caused the sky people to reject the coalition, she issued a kill order for anyone that passed the border. This order satisfied the needs of her people while also giving Arkadia time to remove the tyrants. Instead, the sky people failed to remove the tyrants and warriors died, a village was massacred and, and Lexa died. But before she died, I think she was happy. I saw her smile so wide, so brightly. I saw _Lexa_ and I wish that we could have reached peace so that you could have seen her too. She did so much for us, for me and instead of being able to see it to the finish her life was taken too early. Lexa was every bit the commander that the twelve clans needed and should have wanted. And she was every bit the person that the people of the sky would have loved if they gave her a chance."

Clarke was beginning to unravel as images of Lexa played through her mine like a slide show in fast forward mode. Before she could stop herself, she burst into tears. "I can't stand up here and say that I deserve to mourn her with the rest of you. I don't deserve that. Titus, the previous Fleimkepa, thought that I was clouding her judgment and he tried to kill me, but instead he killed Lexa, he shot her with a bullet that was meant for me. Now you know how she died. I pressed my hands into her stomach, I tried to save her and I failed. Her last breath was a promise to protect me and I couldn't even save her. Her blood is on me. I loved her but I could not mourn her because once again I had to stop ALIE and then I had to figure out if we could stop or survive Praimfaya. I don't want to stand up here and tell you how amazing she was because you all should already fucking know it. We wouldn't be in this bunker alive if the twelve clans hadn't already been used to living under the laws of the coalition. The sky people would be food for plants the minute the ark hit the ground if she commanded. Instead you people bitch and you bitch…I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Lexa saw me without the titles and the labels and yet she made me a better leader for recognizing that I was a leader of the sky people whether I held the official title or not. In her death, I have realized that I am _Wanheda_ , commander of death and if you want to live then stay far away from me. It seems death follows me even when I don't command it. For you, I hope that her death teaches you to embrace Wonkru. I hope that you survive these five years in the bunker so that when the doors open again a new city can be built in her name, and that the people of Wonkru can make _Aleksandra_ the new capitol, to replace Polis and embrace the future as Heda Ocktevia leads you."

Clarke stepped down, pushing her way through the people that were too stunned to move and ignoring the sympathy looks thrown her way from those that did give her space to walk. Both Bellamy and Niylah tried to reach out to her but Murphy pulled them back allowing Clarke to leave the center room without interruption.

The walls of the bunker rumbled as Praimfaya raged above, Clarke could hear Octavia guiding the people over the rumbles and decided to run back to her bed before the others could empty out behind her. Once inside the dorms, she made her way back to her bed and cocooned herself within the sheets and blankets, prepared to stay that way until she was forced to move again.

 **A/N: So, this is definitely a rough version of this, but considering I've decided to make this a two shot/three shot I plan to make a ton of revisions. Please review/comment/critique. Also, BETAS, if you're out there please PM and because I'm a goof ball, show some other work you've beta'd. Thank you! It feels good to be back from a seven/eight-year hiatus!**

 **Also, I have some understanding of Trigedasleng but not enough to confidently include it. But in future, whatever is italicized would be spoken in Trigedasleng. I do believe that** _ **nomonjoka branwada**_ **means motherfucking tool/idiot, though.**


End file.
